week three - post-trial

[sating]

[ As soon as their trial is dismissed, there's very little hesitation in who Hannibal heads to.

Naturally, he does give Will's hand a squeeze, a quick "I'll see you later," but with all the chaos of the day, there are other people he needs to see and tend to. In fact, so many that he almost wonders about who to go to first, but... His bias wins out. For each of the people he's taken a liking to so far, there was perhaps no one where that was as true as Xion. So, he goes to her. Follows her, if necessary, and when he speaks her name, his voice is full of sympathy and concern. ]

Xion—

[ But it's only her name. She'll let her drive the rest of this. ]

Comments

[ceded]

[ There's been a little time now since Xion stopped crying.

It took a while. She spent longer than was probably good or necessary or even okay wailing in Chane's arms. Like a baby, is what she might think were she even equipped to make that comparison. But she's not. All she has is her own failures exactly as she is.

And she feels the weight of one already dead and one soon to die bearing her down like ten tons.

Suffice it to say she's a mess when Hannibal finds her. Leaning heavily on her walking stick, her hair messy and her face messier (though she's tries to wipe it off on her sleeves), she looks ....

.... empty.

She'll stop when she hears her name, slowly turning to look back at Hannibal. No, no.

If there's anyone who can break down her walls all over again it's him.

Her jaw clenches, but she turns to face him fully. Everything about her, from the furrow in her brow to the tense hunch of her shoulders to the way her hand clutches her cane, says hurt.

She does try to speak. It's just that no sound comes out when she does. ]

[sating]

[ She doesn't need to say a thing. At least, not so far as Hannibal is concerned.

As soon as Xion turns to give him that look of such hurt, there's very little hesitation in what comes next. He closes that distance between them, and carefully, he wraps his arms around her in a gentle hug. One hand rests on her back while the other holds her head, and though it's not any kind of hold that's hard to break away from, it's meant to feel secure and safe. It's as if maybe he'd been wanting to do this for her all day, but hadn't wanted to make those walls come crumbling down. But now?

Now, it feels like it may be better if they do. If only for a little while. ]

[ceded]

No--

[ It's all she manages to get out. She's been so scared of letting her emotions out all day. Her dead face and voice, her straightforward way of talking and her abrupt mannerisms, all of it was just the evidence of the way she'd bolted down her every feeling, to keep them from fleeing out through her voice and her hands and her tears.

But it's not as if she actually resists, or pushes Hannibal away. Far from it. With a soft whine high in the back of her throat she leans into him, gripping his shirt tight in her hands before she circles her arms around him in turn. It is probably no surprise that she starts to cry.

These tears are not like the wailing, screaming tears of when she broke down after the announcement of the vote. They are very quiet, punctuated mostly by gasps and a handful of barely-there sobs.

Xion buries her face in Hannibal's chest and just ... cries, pushed so far past her breaking point that even her crying sounds weak. ]

[sating]

[ He holds her there, as warm and comforting as he can be. His temperament is naturally a little chillier with his ever-present calm, but he can extend warmth like this. When she starts to cry, he rests his cheek lightly on top of her head and strokes her hair in rhythmic and gently soothing motions. ]

It's all right, Xion.

[ Not the situation itself, and there's a little of his tone that seems to imply that, but he clarifies. ]

You don't need to hold yourself back anymore.

[ceded]

[ The warmth and affection he's showing her only makes her cry harder. She wants to throw up, or maybe just pass out. Has she ever, ever in her life, even given all that she's been through, felt this exhausted? ]

No, [ she chokes out again, and she's not even sure what she's trying to protest. Maybe being encouraged to cry. Maybe just all of this. Every last piece of how horrible all of this is. ]

I'm tired...

[ It's all she can think to say. She isn't equipped with the skills or the words to really cope with or even explain how she's feeling. She's so overwhelmed that I'm tired is all that comes out. ]

GUESS WHO GOT MORE HUGGING ICONS

[sating]

[ Hannibal doesn't move at all, and he really won't until she pulls away. He had called her a patient, but it hadn't been that kind of relationship even though he mentioned it. He wouldn't comfort a patient like this. But he has a weakness, as he always does, to soothe the wounds caused by trauma. ]

I can imagine.

[ He speaks softly to her, not quite a whisper, but she's likely the only one that would be able to hear it. ]

And you can rest. As long as you need to.

LMFAO CHRISTY GOD DAMMIT STOP DOING THIS TO ME PERSONALLY

[ceded]

[ She shakes her head against him roughly, trying to breathe, actively trying to stop crying. ]

No. I can't. I have to ... I have to keep going. I don't...

[ A sigh that turned into huffed out sobs escapes her. ]

I don't know how. But I have to.

it's ok you're not the only victim since i got some sappy ones to kill squee

[sating]

That is the difficulty. Even the oldest, most wizened of people struggle with this same question of how to continue. The answer is different each time.

[ He pauses in trying to explain to soothe instead, a gentle shushing as he tries to catch the rhythm of her breaths with the stroke of his hand against her hair. If he does, he'll slow that rhythm, trying to get her to do the same as a subtle direction. ]

But you will. It may seem hard now, but you will.

at least the torture is happening across family bonds

[ceded]

[ His tactic works like a charm. Xion doesn't even realize what he's done, or that she's slowly calming her breaths as he strokes her hair, but before too long she finds herself calmer. She's shivering still, from exhaustion or the after-effects of adrenaline or just ... pain, but it no longer seems like she might again slide into the dry-heaving tears of before. ]

Am I really ... that strong? How can someone deal with ... feeling this way?

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) suffering

[sating]

[ He's glad that her breathing starts to even out, since he had been worried about her working herself up so much that she might hyperventilate or otherwise experience ill effects of getting this wound up. He sighs gently, and there's an almost laugh in the sound, but it's humorless. ]

That is what it means to live. If only it were always so easy as those brightest moments. Unfortunately, the darkest must come hand in hand.

[ He gives her a moment to process that, since it's rather cynical, but he does add a brighter sentiment after. ]

And you are not alone. You can draw strength from others. In fact, you will.

[ceded]

To live ... means struggling?

[ There's a genuine undertone to it, of confusion and uncertainty, but she seems to internalize the idea after a few moments.

That ... actually isn't far off from what her life was like before she got here. This is just much worse, and really, there were times back home she thought things couldn't get any worse. She was very wrong. ]

... I feel so selfish, [ she murmurs against him. ] I know I can rely on my friends, and on you, but ... I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough in return.

[sating]

It does. Only the very luckiest will go their life without struggle.

[ He pulls back at this point, though not completely. He still says close, a physical presence for her to latch onto, but his direction shifts from comfort to emphasis. Considering she's getting the point of what he's saying, he puts his hands on her shoulders as he shifts down to be closer to eye to eye with her. ]

So it is not selfish, Xion. You can worry, can be as selfless as you are comfortable, but you should never feel as if your own feelings are selfish. They are yours, after all. You do not need to give anything in return.

[ He gives her shoulders a small squeeze, but it's followed with a smile. ]

In fact, there are often times where you cannot return it. The people that stay at your side know that. Keep them. These are friends you can rely on without worry.

[ceded]

[ In a life that was never her own to control, struggle was just a part of her daily fight. And then it was part of her resistance. And then, in the end, it was her fatal rebellion.

She just never really thought of it as a life. This life, where she can make her own choices, even if they're within the confines of a killing game ... she has to get used to a whole different kind of struggle.

Xion wraps one of her hands around one of his wrists, a gentle, acknowledging hold. Her eyes search his face. Her eyes are still wet with tears, but she isn't actively crying now. Just watching him, as if trying to drink him in. ]

I have to live, [ she says, soft. ] Because ... my friends need me to.

[ Echoes of words that now feel long ago. ]

Even if it's selfish, I ... want to be there for them. For you, [ she says, a little more shy. ] Even if I don't need to give anything... I'd give everything if it meant I could help them.

[ She pauses, and then, perhaps surprisingly, laughs. Just once, and so quietly it's almost more of a huff of air. ]

As long as I can stay alive, too, I guess.

[sating]

[ Hannibal's serious expression starts to turn to a smile as she mirrors back more optimism, since that's what he had been hoping to draw out of her and get her to understand. Even for people with more normal circumstances, this would be a traumatic event that would be difficult to pull out of. For Xion, he was admittedly unsure if she might, considering her basic understanding of... Life in general, really.

Perhaps that helps her. At least here. ]

You can. You are far stronger than you think.

[ He says it with such certainty that it's clear he believes that. He believes in her. Hannibal gives her shoulder a small squeeze, then draws his hands back as he stands up straight. ]

Things are likely to get more difficult before they get better. I will say that is nearly a certainty. But just remember that you can cling to your own life and livelihood. There is nothing selfish about that.

[ceded]

[ "Stronger."

Xion looks up at him, clasping both hands over her chest instead. Her expression is very serious all of a sudden. ]

Dr. Lecter... what does strength mean to you?

[ The way she asks it may make it clear he is not the first person she's asked this question. ]

[sating]

[ The question surprises him, and he moves his head slightly in a gesture that conveys that mild confusion. He had expected a reaction to his encouragement, but not quite a question, and certainly not this one. So he has to ask: ]

If you'll give me a moment to consider it, may I ask in the meantime why you ask?

[ceded]

... because I'm learning it can mean different things to different people. When I got here, I thought strength was ... just never showing weakness. Never being weak.

[ Did it break again? ]

But now I'm starting to think it might be ... something else.

[ It's about...staying true to who you are and what you believe in, even when things seem impossible. ]

So, I was wondering what you thought it was. Because if I need to be strong... I want to know ... what that means.

[sating]

Ah... I see.

[ He nods along, though he does lapse into a short silence. It's a rather unusual question, and it's not quite one he considers often, so it takes him a genuine moment of thought to come to a conclusion. He could give a psychiatrist's answer, and it dances on the tip of his tongue, but he ends up giving a more honest one. ]

Strength is to survive. I mean survival in a broad sense here, not necessarily as something physical, though it can be. Strength is to look into the face of struggle and carry forward, not without fear, for fear is a part of us— But with as much understanding of that struggle as we can grasp.

[ He looks to her, and he gives a small nod ]

...Here, it's more literal than it tends to be. But I would define it the same way in Baltimore. When we look into the abyss, whether it is a game we're forced to play in or the despair of a trauma past, we can't avert our eyes from it. If we continue forward, then that, to me, is strength.

[ceded]

[ Xion looks up at him in silence for a long moment as she processes those words.

It's ... both similar to and different from what Harry said to her. She's starting to wonder if she should ask everyone. What kind of answers she'd get. ]

Dr. Lecter, I ... want to keep moving forward, but I want to do it with my friends beside me. I may not be able to keep them safe, but ... I want to try. I have to keep trying, [ she whispers. ]

[sating]

And I hope you do.

[ His response is immediate, and by contrast to her whisper, his voice is stronger and more certain. Hannibal is trying to encourage her through his words, and he's not very subtle about that, though he believe she would respond best to more straightforward things. Subtlety and leading may be harder when she's so "young." ]

I'm afraid that I can't promise that things will get better. Not immediately. Our situation doesn't lend itself to that. But even in the face of all of this, I hope you don't give up. I may not have known you long, but I feel that you're a strong person, Xion. So I believe you can have the very strength I've described.